Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Muscle Shirts and the women who love them

Do you ever feel like you hit a point in your life where you are standing in your closet and you realize not only are there a lot of outfits there that would follow the "if you haven't worn it in a year then you won't so get rid of it" rule but that there is a very strong chance that ALL OF YOUR CLOTHES fit into this category! That's actually a "What Not To Wear" moment. Not that my clothes or fashion sense are bad...don't get me wrong, my sense of personal style is immaculate and not to be questioned. What I mean is, that part of the show where they literally throw away all of their clothes, which let's get real, are very bad in most instances and should be thrown out. (Do not pass go, do not even thrift it please..less for me to dig through when treasure hunting). I love this part because they of course get a nice wad of dirty ones to go buy a whole new wardrobe with their bad sense of style PLUS 2 days of "re-training" from Stacey and Clinton.

My "WNTW" moment has come about, like I said not due to any shred of poor fashion taste, but due to circumstances. Like many of you out there, I have procreated. So I have pretty much zero social life currently. I wipe butts and when I can, I exercise incessantly. Other than that, when I run into some of my gorgeous girlfriends out on the town (while I am sweating up a storm hauling one child in a carrier with a loud toddler in tow), I can't even pretend to be mad at them for not inviting me along. This isn't junior high school where the friendship threesome is always being exploited by someone to get closer to someone else while even another someone else feels like a total dork because their parents don't let them spend the night out twice in one weekend for all of middle school. This is real life. Real feces needing removal and cleaning up. Real moufs to feed. You feel me?

So back to fashion. I have for the first time in my life acquired some real treasures for the proverbial gun show, so I am 100% obsessed with nothing but muscle shirts and since I can't walk around bottomless without giving my kids serious issues, either yoga pants, my old umbros, or some jean shorts that I would actually consider cute in a past life. But muscle shirts!! Muscle shirts are so fantastic, can I tell you? Please make one tonight. Follow these simple rules. Either make a muscle out of a shirt you could care less about (to practice your technique, because there is definitely a technique to this) then mow the lawn or wash your car in it if it sucks or is lopsided beyond repair. Or make one out of a shirt that is so ironically destined to become a muscle shirt that it just begs for the scissors. My old man is about to put me out, complaining I must stop right away. But let's get real, when a shirt says "Metropolitan Museum of Art" on the front of the shirt (with some bourgie artwork of course) and boasts "The Costume Institute" on the back of the shirt (with more artwork of course) AND the shirt is super soft and old and perfectly worn in AND the shirt has terrible sweat stains from years of honest to goodness wear from the previous owner, then that shirt absolutely was born, suckled and raised to become a muscle shirt.


Make one tonight. I promise it will make you feel super sexy. Or if it doesn't then get some weights because muscles are hot. Like I've said before ladies...get Sinewy. (Not so much Tom Hanks in Cast Away but more the beautiful and talented Linda Hamilton in Terminator.) Sinewy. Not Skinny. Skinny is so last year/decade/century.