Thursday, March 24, 2011

Death By Nail Polish

No pics yet or maybe ever for this one because its honestly worse than corn flakes or fake blood or anything else I'd normally pimp out while modeling for you as my zombie housewife slash capitalist pig wanna be hipster clown or what have you- alter ego.

But had to say I am truly plotting death tonight. I actually am hours and hours deep into an attempt at this point. I tried to do the work life balance thing, whoops, excuse my french, work life "effectiveness" and so I toiled* in the yard a lot this week while hanging with the kids and doing battle with some seriously aggressive weeds in our yard**. So I think I got a bad case of West Nile Chiggers or some poison ivy but I don't know what that really looks like so I think these are chiggers that are sucking my lifeforce which is really pissing me off at this point. (Blood sucking? Really, emmer effer? That's my bit!) Regardless I am just scratching the eff out of myself and in utter misery. If I had a sharp knife I might actually scrape my skin right off and please don't take this as some "cutter chic" or lusty masochism, this is real deal itching happening right now at this moment in time and totally unsexily, not to mention I'm barely able to stop the itching for even a couple seconds to write this post. I haven't itched this bad since I was in corporate America just trying to Shawshank my way out of the manager cube. (the most constricting one if you'll notice. 4 walls for the cube, not just one partial.)

I used almost all of my Nail Life but it was an old bottle that had thickened a ton and because I'm a penny pincher I saved it to just use only on my toenails cause its so friggin thick but now I have an even better use although I'm hoping to crap that I don't need to use it much longer or ever again for this reason. This is misery!!! These bastards must be put down, and I'm just the one to do it. (Sorry for the rip off but I'm catching up on Dexter while running)

Anyhoo, not a cutter but wanting to just go nuts right now. Couldn't really hurt myself on purpose because although I am seriously flawed in so many ways and so hard on myself I have to admit I love the shit out of myself. So this just sucks to want to cut my skin off, ya know? What a weird feeling. Okay, must sleep so I can pick up hubby from the airport way too early with kids in tow. I have a feeling we'll have to stop by the Waffle House on the way back home cause I have a pecan waffle with my name on it and some "scattered, smothered, possibly covered but haven't decided yet for sure, okay, diced, peppered and hell lets also do capped but not topped and for damn sure not country cause I only eat animals that swim exclusively as their mode of transportation" hashbrowns. Yummy. Waffle House....

In the meantime keep checking me out here. And here. And I moonlight here too. (Pun not intended but now appreciated and accepted for what it is. True because I'm totally a late night lister)


*Hilarious to say I was trying for WLE by "toiling" but it was sunny and beautiful so it counts as non-work, right? I'm a freak, I know. I need a vaca and BAD.

** Okay fine, one picture. But just cause the beauty makes up for the misery I'm feeling right now. Well maybe "making up for" is a bit lofty. Its making it suck a tad less, alright?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Blast from the Past

The raw materials

I was inspired by these genetic freaks to create a 4 finger ring like the ones I used to see sold in the old "Joe and Lee Market" (later just "Choe's") at the end of my street when I was a teenager. That same market that used to sell 64 oz jugs of Private Stock to my friends even while sporting their high school wrestling cheerleader uniforms and purchasing these Methuselahs of Malt Liquor with blow pops to help get the booze down quicker.

Seriously? Come on, "Joe".

Now the place is leveled and a huge complex sits there with lots of shops and gourmet popsicles and fancy burgers. Much better for the ole' hood but maybe a little less gritty and definitely more gentrified.

So back to the point! Check out these specimens. Updated to reflect these less illicit and sadly a little more "cutesy" times.

Here's a little 2 finger number cause it was a bit smaller so I worked with what I had.

And the mother lode.
(pun not intended)

Seriously don't these cut outs look like hearts? I am such a softie.
Even when I'm trying to be hard I come off as soft.
Trying to kill the cutesie.

Told him to raise his clenched fist but this turned out much less hard than I'd hoped for.
Love his little underbite thing he's starting to do now sometimes.

The other offspring wanted one too so I ended up making 2 of them.

"It's cold, mommy!! It's cold!"
Thats right, son... ice cold.

Me wearing the 4 finger masterpiece.
So creepy with the dripping juices all over my veiny* hands.


View from the inside of the ring.

Total zombie housewifery and kiddy crafts at its very finest.


That's what I thought!

Glad we see eye to eye now. (punching fist into palm of other hand looking intimidating as bleep but spraying strawberry juice everywhere).

So in the meantime check me out here.

I'll be waiting...


*(that's right, I'm comfortable with myself enough to use my aging hands as material)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Genetically Modified Deliciousness

Let me hollar at ya'll. See this? No, not the pickled jalepenos or the smart balance tub, although those items do tell you a lot about me as a consumer and as an eater (a hothead, really into nachos, watches cholesterol, blah blah blah). No but seriously...Check this thing that's hiding out in my cheese drawer for shit's sake!!

Scary, right?!

This freak of nature is going to be made into something yummy and dare I say downright nostalgic. That said, as much as I may be an aspiring fruititarian, I kind of hesitate before chowing down on one of these guys...cause I just feel they are the freakish manifestation of that sprawly, greedy, food-factory-rather-than-home-farmy type of culture that is ever with us, gnawing away at us and bringing out the worst in us...Don't get me started! (too late). The domestic arts are forcing me into the face of this "berry on roids" and I must be the victor. Rahrrrrrr. wish me luck ya'll!! I am barely as big as this monstrosity. Send mucho twinkle power pretty please. Sugar on top.

I will keep you posted but this is the "before" in what will be a pretty rad final product and hopefully will give me a rather "juicy" redemption of the appetites. (sorry, been watching a bit of "Dead like me" while doing my running in place thing I do when I must multitask my entertainment with my fitness.) about genetic freaks. Lazing while working out. Makes perfect sense.


Friday, March 4, 2011

The neon of the tiger

I hope its not a faux pas to wear rabbit fur and also animal print in the same outfit. Maybe the fur doesn't count cause its hidden as the lining. No?
Seriously, one of you fashion rules nutjobs shout at me... Is that too much meat on one plate?

Who am I kidding... I don't care what you think. Or wait...uh...
Do you like that it has neon in it?

Me too.


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

They sold!!


Well, for me it is utterly devastating. For the customer, a happy day. I just loved looking at these boots and inspecting all the cool details. They leave for Toronto tomorrow.

Godspeed and happy life, sweet things.